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So I’ve made it past the prologue  and onto the first chapter (the general rules of counting make this so…). So far I can’t decide if the rewrite is going better than the original version, or whether I’m just dumbing down what I’ve written – if that makes sense? I know novels have to have a lot of work put into them, but one day I want this one published. Even if I only sold one copy, I would be proud. I feel like I’m dumbing it down because the writing style is just so different, but then again the plot is slightly different now as well:

Old version:

People come and go just as kingdoms come and go. History is written and constantly rewritten, demonstrating this simple fact. A thousand years in the past saw the destruction of a complex and feared society, bringing both rejoicing and uncertainty for years to come. The destruction of this immense society can be blamed on the power and greediness of two brothers, warring against each other for as long as the people who knew them could remember, and no one knew the true reasons for the hatred they each shared for the other.

The country in which these brothers both occupied was small in comparison to the others that it bordered. In fact, it had been argued that the country was not really a country, but a multi-functioning city, incorporating various aspects of what a country would include, such as agriculture and industry. The industry seemed so much more advanced those thousand years past. The output of the essential resources that led to a successful economy was far higher than that of anywhere else in the five continents.

The peoples’ fear of this society was not simply down to the simple economic and militaristic success of the country, but also the power that they held. This country had the capacity to destroy others with a single word, and although this power was demonstrated only once, others cowered in fear, giving into the demands of the first. Some of the more outspoken scholars suggested that a great and good power was lost with this destruction, from what little records were left to the surviving world.

The last recorded days of the two brothers were sealed in a temple, hidden far from view by an alliance of peoples after the country was destroyed. Deep into the desolate worlds to the South, far past the treacherous sands that their destruction wrought, and into the once snow-capped regions, now flowing with crystal pure water, but undrinkable due to an unexplained taint that had killed much of the nature through the streams and estuaries that this water flowed. This legion of people were never to return, working hard to hide the secret that could destroy the world several times over, building and hiding a temple throughout the sands of time, believing their work to be for the greater good. That their sacrifices would forever be remembered in saving the countries that surrounded the one that held the terrible power of two warring brothers.

Part of rewrite:

“The following story is one of adventure, magic, war, heroes, heroines, death, Evil, and the fate of the world put in the hands of those, not much older than perhaps yourself dear reader, but before I begin this story, I must tell you another, for that is the reason our story exists at all,” the writer paused for a moment, looking at the cursive writing before him, it was time that the full story was known in a world that had been thrown into chaos and near destruction of all that was living in the course of a very small amount of time.

“To begin, this is the story of two brothers, locked in an eternal rivalry and a destructive need to control and subvert the other at any given opportunity. You must remember, dear reader, that this was a time wherein magic was uncontrolled, that anyone who had the skill and the ability to subjugate another to their control would at the given opportunity. It was not a pleasant age in which society was divided by the wealthy and powerful, and the vast majority of peoples were enslaved to these people, largely in fear of the tyrannous overlords. It is in this society in which the tale of the brothers starts with horrific consequences for the people of the world, now so peaceful so many centuries afterward.

The brothers, their names only whispered by the winds of history, were born to woman of poor repute, living in the poorest and remotes of areas. She had no money, and no way to raise her children, until they exhibited the signs of magic, so it is told. She taught them the ways of evil, or using their powers to exert all that they wanted. She taught them too well however, and at a young age when their powers were powerfully out of control they killed their mother and began their eternal war. They fought over everything and nothing. There were those who tried to control these brothers, other who continued to pit them against one and other, and there were those that stood in the way in an attempt to stem their evil – it was these people that found the worst fate.

I’d appreciate any comments so far, I know this is really early stages with this, but I’d really, really like this story to go somewhere…. and somewhere good :)